Settled. Stubborn. Ossified. Set.
When describing a person, these are often considered negative qualities. They say, “This person will not change, no matter how much the evidence shows that they should.”
They can be terrible with terrible consequences— like the inability to evolve with new, fragile norms around race, gender, and “difference” between people.
They can also be freeing, like permitting yourself to no longer think about or worry about something. You can satisfice instead of maximize. You can end your quest for the best. You can feel comfortable and get great with where you are and with the limitations of that space without anxiety of being left behind or worry over missing out.
Research projects do not have to be eternal— it’s okay to conclude when there is still more to learn. You can “know enough” about something to suit your purposes, without knowing all things. You can feel a certain way about something even if you can’t spar with the best online in defense and support of that feeling. Your ethics and morals can stop when they have guided you to a good life and not when they have earned you a PhD.
I take comfort in feeling myself settle. I can feel the release of strain from holding up uncertainty. I can feel the sand seeping into the cracks, expertly filling me up. I know that sand starts as impermanent, and that I still have time for small adjustments, just as I know that sand in time becomes stone. When I settle, it frees my energy and my attention. It creates space above me that can continue to grapple with those areas that need to change. It gives me capacity to keep moving, keep straining, keep growing, and keep open the other parts of me.
Complete. Relaxed. Sturdy. Sure. Apathetic?
These enable me to strive, wrestle, endure, and stretch.